Understanding Shame: What it is & how to Work with it
Many of my clients experience shame, a deeply painful and universal human emotion that can significantly impact self-worth, relationships, and overall well-being. While everyone experiences shame at some point, understanding its nature and learning how to address it can help us cultivate resilience and self-compassion.
What Is Shame?
Shame is an intense, often hidden emotion that arises when we feel fundamentally flawed, unworthy, or disconnected from others. It tells us that we are bad, broken, or unlovable, rather than simply having made a mistake. Unlike other emotions that may pass quickly, shame can linger, shaping our beliefs about ourselves and influencing our behaviour in profound ways.
Shame vs. Guilt: Understanding the Difference
Dr. Brené Brown, a renowned researcher on vulnerability, courage, and shame, highlights what she believes is the crucial difference between shame and guilt:
Shame is the feeling that "I am bad."
Guilt is the feeling that "I did something bad."
From Brown’s perspective, guilt can be a healthy emotion, prompting us to reflect on our actions and make amends. It helps us learn and grow without attacking our core identity. Shame, on the other hand, leads to feelings of worthlessness and isolation, making it harder to change behaviours or seek support.
The Impact of Shame
Unchecked shame can lead to self-destructive behaviours, perfectionism, and avoidance of vulnerability. It has been linked to depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. Shame often thrives in secrecy, silence, and judgment, creating a cycle that reinforces feelings of unworthiness.
Approaches to Working with Shame
Addressing shame requires courage, self-compassion, and connection. Here are some effective strategies for working with shame:
1. Cultivating Self-Compassion
Kristin Neff, a leading researcher on self-compassion, emphasizes the importance of treating ourselves with the same kindness we would offer a friend. Instead of harsh self-criticism, we can practice self-acceptance and gentle encouragement.
2. Bringing Shame Into the Light
Shame grows in secrecy. Speaking about our experiences with trusted friends, therapists, or support groups can help diminish its power. Dr. Brown emphasizes that "empathy is the antidote to shame"—when we share our struggles and receive understanding, shame loses its grip.
3. Rewriting Shame-Based Narratives
Our inner dialogue plays a significant role in reinforcing shame. Identifying and challenging negative self-beliefs—such as "I am not good enough" or "I am a failure"—can help reframe our experiences with greater self-awareness and self-compassion.
4. Practicing Mindfulness
Mindfulness allows us to observe our thoughts and emotions without judgment. By becoming aware of shame when it arises, we can create space between ourselves and our feelings, making it easier to respond with kindness rather than self-condemnation.
5. Developing Healthy Boundaries
Shame can stem from unhealthy relationships or environments that reinforce feelings of inadequacy. Setting clear, respectful boundaries can protect our emotional well-being and foster more supportive connections.
The Role of Connection in Healing Shame
As social beings, we heal through connection. Building relationships where we feel seen, heard, and valued can counteract the isolating effects of shame. Seeking therapy, joining a support group, or simply surrounding ourselves with compassionate people can provide the validation and support needed to navigate shame effectively.
Final Thoughts
Shame is a powerful emotion, but it does not have to define us. By recognizing its influence, distinguishing it from guilt, and using self-compassionate approaches, we can begin to loosen its hold. As Brené Brown reminds us, “Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we’ll ever do.”
If you're struggling with shame and looking for support, consider reaching out, you don’t have to do it alone.